It's not what happens to me, it's how I react to what happens to me!! I've been telling myself this a lot for the last 24 hours. I went to the doctor for my annual physical, of course this was the first one in 26 years.. :-) What led up to this was yet another leg infection and a nice little bladder infection a few weeks ago, and so the thinking was I probably needed to have a good looksee by my doctor.
well, all the blood work was more perfect than ever, all levels were mid-normal range, glucose was 89, lowest ever that I know of... everything was GREAT! except........ there were some changes that he requested more tests for, "just to rule out any cancer, at your age, it's better to be sure".. boy did I feel old, my parents have been complaining about that line for 30 years now...
so after being told of the possibility I went out on the net to get some more information and of the list of symptoms for colon cancer, I have 6 out of 9... (this was before getting the results of the blood work back - I, by this time, was expecting to have 8 of 9) and was amazed at how quickly I went into negative mode again. I had, after about 2 hours, been through the scenario of having terminal, inoperable cancer and would be dead within a very short time, and what was my first thought..... "I'm gonna eat whatever the hell I want to!" "What would it matter at this point? I'm really dying now and there's nothing I can do about it."
Like I somehow wasn't really dying before.. how my mind plays with me! (sigh)
It was like I was sitting back watching someone else go through this thought process, and I just sat there in amazement at how totally negative this person was, how he so easily gave up on living in order to justify going back into the disease. How excited he was to think about having his favorite binge foods again, once again forgetting how much pain it would cause him until he actually did die.
Why do I so conveniently forget the pain and suffering I went through and only remember the "high" of the substance????? It baffles me!
Anyway, today will continue, I will eat my abstinent meals, I will do what work is in front of me, I will call my sponsor and my other OA contacts, and I will sit in the chat room in case anyone comes by to say hello, I try to spend 2 hours a day there to be of service, but as I've learned, doing service helps me as much, if not more, as whoever drops by. I will continue to work my steps and work on being willing to let HP remove my shortcomings and turn them into my strengths.
I am feeling especially grateful today for the clarity to have been an observer of the happenings in my head instead of a slave to them.
There is a great cartoon I saved from a long time ago, it shows a bald, very rotund man in his bathrobe, standing in front of his mirror, holding up his toothbrush and saying, "Ah, Another Day! Another Opportunity for Fame and Fortune! Onward Brave Stalwart Warrior! Forward into Battle! Make Way World, It is I!"
and I say, "Forward into Sanity! Make way World, it is I!"
love and hugs,
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