I'm sorry, I meant to call you at 8 but got busy hooking up the scanner and printer as I forgot I didn't have a way to print anything until doing so, and of course the time got away from me..... (sigh)
"of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
oh well, today was a good day, food was good, not too stressful,
I did read today from the Big Book, read the "Doctors Opinion", made a phone call, read prayers and from "For Today", did not go for my walk again... but actually was feeling pretty good, just busy. I WILL go for my walk tomorrow...
again, sorry I missed the phone call again, but didn't want to call after 9pm, you need your family time and I will just have to do better with that.
to all concerned,
this was written in response to a specific email, but it got to be a little more than just a response, I hope it's not too overwhelming for anyone. it is very personal stuff, but it is all things I would share if telling my story,
thanks for sharing with ME! I felt comfortable sharing with you, if not I wouldn't have.... I am very much at peace with my past these days... and the things that I had to work through are the same kinds of things that everybody has had to deal with or IS dealing with now. I'm not unique in that regard. (I've learned) Everyone deals with life the best way they can. There was a time when food was my comfort, by wall of security for the feelings I didn't feel I could let out, so I kept them sedated with my drug of choice. It worked quite well for a long long time, but it became the problem rather than continuing to be the solution.
I have abandonment issues with my mom, abuse from my dad, and feelings of being "unworthy" to deal with. I am doing better with all of them, but the battle is not over yet... though the burden is MUCH less today than in the recent past.
I am feeling hopeful again that my life can be joyous, happy, and free from all the anxiety of carrying around these past hurts and the remorse they have caused me.
The craving for the food for me was the first thing that left me and it left the moment I made the decision to go to the treatment center, I just knew at that moment that the food would not be an issue for me, I decided that whatever they put in front of me in the way of a food plan was the way it would be, I didn't care if it was food I liked, or not, I would eat it. It was total surrender to a higher power, in this case, the facility - but it was the attitude that I couldn't trust myself to make those kinds of decisions anymore, that my BEST thinking had gotten me the place I was at, and it was a place I did not want to be and that I was powerless to change it on my own, so I gave up the control over that and just was willing to accept whatever they put in front of me. I have not had any regret about that choice and now I view food as sustenance only, where before I would have to wait till meal time to decide what I wanted to eat because I would first need to know what I "felt like eating"... which is to say that I was eating to soothe feelings rather than to nourish my body... and I could no longer afford to do that. I must eat for nourishment and deal with the feelings in some other way. I would have to learn new coping skills, and so it has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my daily practice of living.
My life is incomparably better today as I learn to trust my Higher Power to take care of the things I could not, and to try to get a more realistic view of reality instead of the 'filtered' view of it through my addict brain.
I know that for now, I cannot trust my perceptions, that I need to talk to others about the goings on of my life, because my view is often twisted or just a little off, and so until I can begin to see more clearly, I must talk to other people everyday, and question my motives and my perceptions until I get a little more in sync with others views also. Of course these are people I trust and program people who have good recovery. (if you're getting this, you're one of them :-) )
You mentioned suicidal thoughts, I've had those since age 14, with the MAJOR issue in my life that convinced me that I was unworthy, unforgivable, and all around rotten person occurring when I was 17.
At 14 I took the belt out of my dad's hand, in essence taking the power and saying I would no longer allow him to beat me. At this same time I began having violent fantasies about hurting/killing my mother... though I didn't realize it was my mom until about 4 weeks ago... it was just a faceless woman, and this I feel was for 2 reasons.... one I felt she abandoned me. (I am told of this, I don't remember it consciously) I got bronchial pneumonia at about the age of 2 during a move and was hospitalized in a military hospital and was isolated for 3 days from my parents, at this time I refused to eat for those 3 days, when my dad got back into town from ferrying our mobile homes from TX to MS, he barged in and TOLD the nurses to get him some bottles and he fed me ... ironic, the man who "saved" me was later to abuse me so badly by physically beating me almost everyday of my life from age 8 to 14.
so these are the feelings of abandonment, though it wasn't her fault, mom let the hospital keep us apart, while my dad just simply barged in and took control to protect his child. This "standing by" was a later issue because she did nothing (that I'm aware of) to protect me from the beatings.
My mom also doted on my sister, 3 years younger, my sister was her reason for getting up in the morning... she talked about the fact that she had always wanted a daughter and she was gonna have kids until she had a girl. My older brother and me preceded the daughter, and when she was born, it was like we were forgotten (abandoned again) in favor of my sister. So great was the hurt that, at least for me, I had a great deal of jealousy and anger towards my sister, and as siblings will do, I was constantly pushing her around, and ended up hurting her a few times, inadvertently but still, kind of intentional, the kind where you don't think you'll 'really' cause any major trauma. This was all when very young - ages 4-6 maybe.
When I was 17, my sister died due to complications/neglect from surgery to remove a rare heart tumor, and I remember being glad she had died because now I would be the favored one again. I was appalled by even having this thought, so disgusted with myself for having this thought, I just KNEW I could not be forgiven for that. What kind of despicable person is glad that a sibling (or anyone) dies? I was so angry at myself, my parents, life in general, and the fact that I was having these violent fantasies about harming woman made me know that I was unfit to live and it would be better for all concerned if I just killed myself and cleansed the world of this foul soul.
In contrast, I have always felt myself to be a very spiritual person, believing in God and his mercy, and being very gentle so that people were very attracted to me... but inside, this seething and knowing that if people 'really knew me', they would know how foul and loathsome I was, and so I never let people really know me... which led to the isolation and the soothing my emotions through overindulging in food, because that's what worked for me. I tried drugs, alcohol, sex, work, but in the end what "did it for me" was food. It worked great, and it was legal, and readily available... a bounty beyond my dreams... and it worked for a long time. I yo-yo'd 25-50 pounds, but nothing major, (IMHO), I'm 6'4", and was about 235 when I first started being concerned, but with each diet, I would gain back more than I lost and became so disillusioned I after a time just simply 'gave up', and resigned myself to the fact that I was gonna be fat the rest of my life... and I just didn't care anymore.
About 2 years ago, I was out walking around the house, it was just past sunset, and I walked into a small mound of dirt and I fell, and to my horror, I could not get myself up. I was too embarrassed to call out for help, and so laid there for about 15 mins trying to decide what to do. I was in shorts, on gravel and dirt and wood chips, and so I forced myself to crawl about 12' to a fence and pulled myself up, knees wrecked with gouges and pain, and dragged myself back into the house and didn't leave it again for 2 years. During this time, I ate whatever I wanted, ordered pizzas, delivery from the restaurants that did that, and gained and gained and was simply waiting to die. It was in this condition that I finally decided to go into the rehab facility because I was seeing eating disorder behavior in my daughter and I felt responsible because she was my enabler during this time... and I regretted putting her through that, so I decided to go "for her".
While there, I found a reason for "me", and so began the healing, and my journey back to the living.
I had not intended to write this but it just seemed to flow, I'm gonna copy a few others since I did it. I trust that it is not too much for anyone, but it was a great relief to finally write it down.
with all the love in me,
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