I'm wallowing in the pity pond today, it's gooey and I'm sinking deeper and deeper.
Why do "I" have to be the cheerleader all the time? Why do "I" have to be the one constantly in a good mood? Sometimes I'm the one who needs to be cheered on, today was one of those days, but I didn't get what I needed, or at least what I wanted.
I got up and was looking forward to going for my morning walk, at least a little :-), and all I got from my family was the whining "do I have to go?" and I enthusiastically said, "yes, of course you do", now this is fairly normal behavior for my daughter, but I got the same thing from my wife this morning, :-( When she is off work we go as a family on the walk, and usually she is more than willing to go so it's just the kid who has to be "encouraged" to go. Not so this morning...
I suppose today was an accumulation of a lot of things. A lot of extra stresses in the last week, so emotionally I was pretty drained, and for the last 2 weeks, I have had no energy, constantly "forcing" myself to do this walk, go to the store, just "DO" things in general. This is a cyclical thing for me, so I know eventually it will pass and I'll have some good days again, but I was feeling like it was overdue for me to have some of those days now. I explained to my daughter about discipline - you know "doing what you need to even when you don't feel like it", and of course I got the rolled eyes, and she walked away with a disgusted attitude. Most of the time that's ok. "I" do what "I" need to and hope that the example will carry the message from her ears to her heart.... some days I'm more hopeful than others, today it was a slap in the face.
While on the walk, I was the proverbial turtle out racing with the hares, I got left behind, and then they would double back and walk around me and continue on again, getting a block or so ahead, and each time they came back I was feeling smaller and smaller, and more frustrated, and wondering why the heck I was even out here doing this. Usually my daughter walks "with" me and we talk, well, she mostly talks, I mostly listen, but still it's nice and today since mom was with us, she was walking with her, so I was feeling abandoned again, a recurring theme for me. Even when they would double back, nothing was really said, and they were off again... so finally after having gone through several scenarios in my head, I finally just asked them "why don't you just go ahead on back, no sense waiting for me?", and they did!
Another slap in the face, you know I wanted them to go cause it was frustrating me to have them constantly doubling back for me, but I also wanted them to say, "no, we'll stay with you", so I got what I asked for, but not what I wanted........ oh the games we play, testing to see if our feelings are valid, and today, I was validated!! they didn't want to be there, they don't think of anyone but themselves, they are so selfish and self-centered as to be unaware of my needs. I don't even want them walking with me anymore, this is the last time, I'll just walk by myself from now on. How's that for being on the pity pot? I'd give me about a 9.5! It wasn't a 10 only because I hadn't considered suicide as a way of getting back at them. ;-)
(sigh) oh well, that was interesting, but now it's time to get off the pot...
I know that the alternative for me is unacceptable, and that would be going back to the way I was.... NOT what I want to do. So I need to release them and know that they cannot give me what I need all the time, I have to dig a little deeper on days like today and trust in my Higher Power, knowing that He loves me enough, and trusting that all this effort will be worth it, finding the strength somewhere inside me to continue on the path I have been walking.
I was at the point of tears during my walk, convinced I was worthless yet again, which turned to anger, and in the past would have continued to seeking relief through food, but today, I know I have to work on turning these feelings over to my Higher Power and focusing on the Next Right Thing. Today the next right thing is to get my shower, do my meditation, make a couple program calls, read something inspirational, (I really need this today), then help get the kitchen sink unclogged, and to finish up some webpage work I've had piling up, and to finish putting together a computer for friend and making sure all is functioning for her. This should be a full day :-).
I'm sure by the end of the day I'll be back to my jovial confident self, and if not, I'll "act as if".. :-)
love and hugs,
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