well, I lost my cool last night, I let circumstances build up and get to me and verbally lashed out at my spouse, I felt totally justified of course, trying to fix those things about her that annoy me and that affect me directly.
"Clutter" is the main point of contention. I've offered to throw hers out for her, but she seemed reluctant... I think her words were to the affect "only if you plan to not live past the event".. :-) so I "feel" powerless as I am unwilling to crash the relationship over this. Yet I am bombarded with the mess 24/7 as I am an at-home dad. I have my clutter too of course, but it's in another room and I don't have to look at it all the time.. it bothers me some that I haven't done it yet, but obviously not enough to have done it yet. I even offered to let "her" throw "my" stuff out in return, to no avail. I am finding culling my stuff as difficult as she must be for hers.
Part of my fear here is that IF I do get rid of some my stuff that space will be taken over by her stuff, and I will be no further ahead and even a bit more behind in the quest to clear out the clutter. (starting to sound like a George Carlin bit isn't it?)
So I have to ask myself, What is it that is really bothering me about this?
I am very territorial, I guess I always have been though, like the little kid, "this is my half and don't put your stuff in my part of the room!" Sibling rivalry from the get-go. Needing to feel that I had some space that was mine, which gives me a feeling of some value, some importance, some power. I don't think this is bad, or abnormal. It is a basic human need, wanting to be part of something bigger than myself, but still to have some space that is unique to me.
Most times I can "tolerate" things that I have no control over, but I need to surrender to it. I have surrendered to that about the food, I am now working on it in relation to other parts of my existence. It is work, it is hard, but it is happening.
I made verbal amends for blowing up at my wife last night, I now need to work on what actions I'm willing to take to further solidify those feelings into behavioral changes. An apology is a start, but if the situation becoming intolerable is not going to recur on any kind of regular basis, my attitudes and behaviors must change.
Only way I know of is to ask my Higher Power to remove/alter these character traits to better serve me and my situation.... gee,, sounds like Step 6&7 huh? Amazing that those are the steps I'm working on now.. ;-)
I was reading that most 12 steppers get wrapped up in learning to "stand up", and then helping others to learn to "stand up", but get bogged down about learning to "walk".... made sense to me... I know people in program for more than 15 years who's life is following a food plan and meetings, period. I feel there is more to life than successfully following a food plan. It IS an important first step, one that I struggled with for years, but now that I've achieved it, I am looking for what's next.... and I think it is important that there be "something next". In the Tools pamphlet we read each week, under the Food Plan section, it says, (I paraphrase) "From THIS point (physical recovery) we can more effectively begin working the steps, and begin to live a more productive, sane, and happy life."
So, now that I have made the apology, what am I willing to "DO" differently to cope with this situation? Is there anything I can do in good conscience that will help without enabling more of the same sick behaviors for her and me?
I think the first thing is to go ahead and clean MY stuff up, trusting the results to my Higher Power, believing that he will give me the wisdom and strength to deal with whatever comes my way as a result of taking this action. I can voice in a loving, calm way my concerns and what I plan to do from my side of things, and then release it. I need to remind myself, as my sponsor suggested, what it was that attracted me to my wife in the first place, and why am I picking on this one thing so much? Step back and look at the entire picture of our relationship, and not just this one very tiny aspect of it.
The compulsive part of me says that "if she would just get her act together, then my life would be so much easier".. LOL oops, back to step one!!!! It's so easy to want to blame everything/everyone else, when it really all comes down to "MY" perceptions that really determines how my life goes.
well, that's what I will do then, go ahead and clean up MY mess, next Thursday is trash day, so I will start loading up the trash cans getting ready for it.
It's a rainy day here today, very lazy, red tide is causing some challenges for me and my daughter in the breathing department... so we will stay inside today and watch some movies... she's anxiously awaiting me to finish this so we can start.. :-)
I did increase my walking distance to 1.5 miles now, I will leave it at that distance for a while, the muscles were aching a bit, but nothing actually "hurt", this is a good sign for me.
I continue to let go of more weight, feeling the bones in my wrists and shoulders now is an odd but satisfying feeling... seeing my feet without having to lean forward at all, whereas before, I couldn't lean far enough forward to see them... :-) Showers are between 10-15 mins. without hurrying, without trepidation, and I can be ready to go out within 30 mins of thinking about taking one... used to be a 2 hour ordeal. I am so blessed!
My glucose levels are below 100 now, down another 20 points in the last couple of months.. I think it's about time to re-evaluate the meds I'm taking... I need to talk to the doctor today anyway, will mention that when I call.
I started out this tome feeling very focused on life's little problems, isn't it interesting that the focus has changed to what "I" can do to alter how I look at things, and in looking at how far I've come, I am just so grateful to be alive today.
Seventh Step Prayer:
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.
love and hugs,
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