I have been sick for a week, have been sleeping a lot but not very restfully, chills and sweats, coughing, fever, etc. so am always tired.
My food is good, but other parts of my program had gone on hiatus.. I finally dragged myself out for my walk this morning, after having skipped 3 days.. amazingly I felt strong enough to add another short block to the walk, so even with the scratchy throat and the hacking cough, I finished it feeling pretty good. (1 mile +)
I have been making my phone calls at least every other day with the call to my sponsor being the only daily call I've been getting in consistently, and the only reading I'm doing is the daily readings posted on my home email loop... I have missed my f2f meeting.
so in looking over how "terrible" I'm doing with my program, it's really not so bad, it's so much a part of my day now, that MOST of it is still getting done at least to some degree.. this is good!
There was a couple of days (at my sickest) that I had the thought cross my mind that eating for comfort would feel really good.... but I passed on it, and it went away... part of me wishes I could, but I know that is just not possible for me anymore. I really don't want to fall back into that... and the fact that I so easily let those thoughts pass now gives me Hope and Gratitude.
Working through some anger:
Being sick makes me less tolerant of others, that would be my family mainly, since they're the ones stuck with me for most of the hours in the day... I lost control with my daughter the other day, and very roughly dragged her out bed when she lipped off to me... I am having a rough time letting go of the anger this time, so need to write about what is going on with me that I allowed myself this indulgence. My thoughts weren't pretty and I am reluctant to share this dark side of me, of course that's what I spent the last 32 years trying to deny too, so I know keeping it bottled up won't work either...
I don't believe in my heart that there is ever a good reason to strike a child, that corporal punishment is ineffective and damages relationships. And yet there are times that I WISH it on my child. This causes a lot of mixed feelings obviously.... She knows we don't believe in hitting her and when I pulled the sheets off her and told to get up the other day, she just said, "No! You're not gonna do anything anyway.", ... My anger was immediate, and overwhelming, I dragged her out of bed and "herded" her to take care of her morning chore of feeding and taking care of the dog.....
Though I got past the desire to really lash into her, the anger hung on most of the day.... I was thinking about "what I was really angry at" and "why was I angry"....
I came to the conclusion that it was the lack of respect shown to me, which made me feel "less than, ineffective, unworthy, and unimportant", this threatened my emotional security, my effectiveness as a parent and teacher, my need to be valuable to her, and threatened my being "loved" by my daughter. My thought was, "How can you love someone you don't respect?" and she didn't respect me, therefore she doesn't love me.
In thinking this through, I believe this was all secondary... the thing that REALLY got to me, was that "I HAD NO POWER OVER HER", and not having any power is what all the other stuff comes from. I don't like being Powerless. In my mind it still makes me WEAK to be powerless over things in my life. I have accepted that I am powerless over food, THAT I have turned over to my Higher Power, but "surely" I should have 'some' power over my children.
The insanity of that last statement made me laugh out loud! What an idiot I am sometimes.... It is a past belief of mine that I as a parent have absolute power/authority over my children while they are growing, it is up to me to teach them whatever wisdom I have so they will be prepared to live as adults in this life, and the progress I am seeing just isn't fast enough for me... at 10 years old I had "expected" more, and yet when I think of being 10, I guess I am expecting way too much from her. She is a bright child, very mature for her age in many ways, but still, she is 10! I must allow her to be a child, or as she says, "I'm not a child, I'm a kid".... 'child' being for someone younger I guess....
So I need to do a Step One about my daughter, accept that I am powerless to "control" her, the best I can do is try to guide her, to let her feel the consequences of her actions in a non-threatening way.
Boy the old tapes sure come to the surface fast under stress, all the things I hated about my own father I am feeling now about myself, and THAT scares me....
I have said several prayers for wisdom and patience.. (I know, never pray for patience, it only puts you in a position of "having" to practice it) maybe I should make that 'acceptance' instead... LOL
Writing this today has dissipated much of the anger and uneasy feelings, I can feel the Serenity returning, and when denying my daughter something a bit ago, when asked "Why?", I calmly just responded, "because I need you to change your behavior", and that was it.
I may owe her an amends for dragging her out of bed, but at the moment, it doesn't feel like it... I will talk it over with my sponsor and come to some conclusion about that later.
I am so grateful for this program, and for my abstinence, without it I would be eating right now, and getting madder and madder at the situation, looking for some way to continue to punish her for defying my authority... as it is, I am feeling calmer now, and turning over the situation to my Higher Power. Amazingly I have not had one single thought about eating over this.... THAT is truly a miracle!
I have come so far in the last year, and it is still just a partial step to where I am going.... but I feel I am moving in a positive direction.
Thank God, and thank all of you for being here. I do so appreciate all your shares over the last weeks... they have been an inspiration to me.
love and hugs,
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