Had the alarm set and woke up at 8am (2 hours early for me), took out the garbage, first time in years, sweep the carport, sweep a play rug that had been rolled up outside for a few months, raked the driveway of pine needles and put them in the "teardrop" (the area that our circular driveway goes around). picked up plywood that had been laying in the back yard for a year or more, sweep the ants off it and moved it to an upright storage position. All this took 2 hours and I'm exhausted, but feel really good about being able to do more these days!
For those of you who may be new to me, I spent the last 10 years in a chair, the 20' excursion to the bathroom twice a day was all I could manage physically, with a shower maybe every 3rd day if I (and my family) was lucky, I had worked my way up to 725 lbs. felt as though every excursion was going to cause the heart attack that would end my existence here and was just an all around jackass to live with. Restaurants or friends would deliver food directly to my chair, as I spent money that we did not have, running up tremendous credit card debt in the process, after all, what did I care, I wasn't gonna be around to have to pay for it, and the insurance would erase the debt for my family, it was the perfect suicide!
9 months ago, I decided to stick around a while longer, which I've already shared about... I have now lost (as of the last time I weighed - about a month now) over 265 lbs. just over half of what my goal is. My days are filled with gratefulness for this obsession to overeat being lifted from me! I tear up when I think of it, as I was so close to being gone and it is such a joy to be around now.
Food has taken a place of being merely fuel, something I never thought possible. It was my most intimate friend and lover, I did not think anything could or would replace it. I have been in program for 10 years, but it has only been in me for 9 months now, and What a difference it is making in my life, I am still in awe at the power of this program, and as the Promises say, before I am halfway through I will have these things coming true for me, and they are.
My days are not all smooth and rosy emotionally, but my food is good, as I know THAT is not the answer to any of my challenges. There are days of total exasperation, when I feel that I can do nothing right, when my child is doing things just to see how angry I can get, (my perception - she's actually just being 10) it's at these times that I have to look and ask what my expectations are.. (lots of shares in the last week about expectations, I learned alot!!!) and if they are valid or is it just me wanting "my way".
Parenting is such a tricky business sometimes, what we feel is best is sometimes just our own warped ego telling us it must be this way or it's just not right. I'm learning, I'm slow, but I'm learning! :-)
We (my bride and I) decided that, if we are going to "teach" our child a positive way to live and get along, we must show her by example, "we" must get our lives in order, "we" must give more than lip service to the chores of living, and that means giving up on some outside activities for a while, those that served us by getting us away from the clutter and disarray of our own living situation so we would not have to look at them and be reminded of our own short-comings. Now that I am becoming more mobile I have begun "doing" more around the house, it has been slowly progressing over the last months, but as of yesterday, I did 4 loads of laundry and will do another 3 or 4 today, as we are "cleaning out" my daughters room, the stuff under her bed was solid!! I wondered what had happened to all the towels and extra clothes of hers.. she always seemed to be wearing the same 3 things!! LOL
Last week, I cleaned up my (our) bedroom (my daughter helped), stripped and washed all the bed linens, my wife had bought new pillows so threw out the old ones and found new pillow cases for them.. we hadn't used pillow cases for months, and the bed hadn't been made in about that long too... we just slept on the mattress pad and threw the covers over us. For the last 10 years I have slept sitting up in my living room chair as I was so fat that I could not lay down comfortably for more than about 15 mins. Lately I have been able to actually fall asleep for up to 2 hours at a time while laying on the bed... it is such a simple pleasure to be able to lay down again and have it be refreshing and rejuvenating! As I become more and more physically "able", I have noticed my moods are better, I feel some worth, like I am contributing again to the family well-being, and being busy with constructive activity of course keeps my mind off food.
Being bored was a time for eating for me... it was something pleasurable to do when there was nothing I "wanted" to do. It became something NOT so pleasurable of course but I kept at it, trying to recapture that feeling that it "used" to give me... typical addict behavior, eh? :-)
I still on the rare occasion have some old food thoughts, I noticed that if I have certain combinations of food on my meal plan, that I begin thinking about other foods that "might/should" be ok, but realize that those would lead me right back into my disease... so I know I just can't go there. The clarity to see where that decision would lead me is a real gift! and I thank my Higher Power every day for being abstinent. It has proven for me the place to BEGIN my step work, as the thinking process is so much clearer when not drugged up with food.
Having finished Step 5 now and recognizing what my defects and shortcomings are, I am preparing to move through the "clearing" steps.. 6-9.
What a wonderful trudge this journey is turning out to be... painful and uncomfortable while doing the work, but at the end of the day, the feeling is so light-filled, as to be reborn into a beautiful new world...
I have found it such a small and yet the most significant decision I have made in program, and that is "food is not an option" for my emotional problems. the choice to just NOT take any food that is not on my plan, to stay with the thought that "it's just for right now", I don't have to think about tomorrow and what I will eat then, only about NOW, what am I gonna put in my mouth right now?
This plan is simple, because what I have to do IS simple, What I THINK about what I have to do, is the challenge... THINKING about not having a certain food for the rest of my life was too overwhelming... THINKING about how it used to make me feel dredged up the desire to recapture that good feeling, while forgetting the consequence of the doing of it.
The physical craving created by ingesting certain substances is the physical part of this disease, the mental obsession I just mentioned is the other part, driving me to try and recapture that good feeling to the exclusion of all else.
It is a joy to be here today, my life will never be perfect, but it's getting 'better', and that's worth the effort to me.
love and hugs,
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