The Recovery Group

A Personal Recovery




12-1

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning feeling rested and in no pain. Thank you! This is not the usual pattern and I felt the amazement of yet another small miracle in my life. Because of the changes happening to my body, I have a cyclical pattern of a couple of fairly good days, those which I am not in a lot of pain and have a little energy to do things, and about a week or so of waking up aching and tired to the point of feeling there is no energy in my body to move it to do anything. Those days I wish I had a catheter because I REALLY need to get up.... from somewhere the strength is summoned to drag myself to an upright position and begin my day, fixing breakfast, waking the child if she's still asleep.. (Haha, that would be about 99% of the time) and getting prepared for my day, I read something inspirational, I check emails, I listen to some music to help create an atmosphere for a serene morning. After morning chores, our home schooling begins and unless I'm needed for something specific I begin my work at the computer. Most days progress as the one before, and all blend into what is my life. Thank you Lord for this life, for insisting that I remain here beyond MY wish to, continue to guide me and show me your purpose.

The days of deep despair and hopelessness are behind me and I am truly happy to awaken each day now, even with the aches and pains, I view it as a reminder that I am indeed alive!

I am working my 4th and 5th steps and have made some insightful discoveries, the most significant for me is that the vast majority of resentments that I hold are the result of some shortcoming in me to begin with, something I did or said to start the events unfolding as they did, and when the result was not what I expected, I immediately resented those people, institutions, etc. for not living up to my expectation. It was always because "I" didn't like that rule or "I" didn't think things should be that way, or because it used to be a certain way and then it was changed and I didn't like it the new way, after all, no one asked me and yet I'm compelled to live by this new rule... aarrgghh!! I don't like that! and so in my arrogance and God-like fashion I declare that "I" don't have to do it that way, because "I" don't like it! so THERE!

It was an attitude that until just recently ran my life, it was that attitude that convinced me that I didn't have to work this program like it was laid out, because I didn't like it the way it was. It was that attitude that was my downfall and created in me such total despair that it is truly a miracle that I was able to come back from it. Only by the Grace of my Higher Power am I here today to continue learning what it is to be human and prepare my spirit for the next level of growth.

I was thinking about many older people who reach advanced years and have heard many of them say, (I paraphrase) "I've lived a long time and just now when I'm near death, I feel I am finally getting it together, why did it take so long?" It always seemed a shame to reach that point to me and have so little time to really then enjoy all the things that could have been enjoyed if only they'd "matured" earlier. (there's that trying to get all I could possibly get syndrome again) I think of the phrase, "youth is wasted on the young"...:-)

I was thinking the other day though that perhaps THAT'S the plan, our short existence here is for us to prepare out spirits and develop those attributes that will be of service to us in the next existence. Like a baby in the womb who develops arms and legs, lungs, ears, and eyes, but has no need of them there, when born into THIS world, they become very useful, likewise I think we develop compassion, honesty, trust, generosity, and all those other positive virtues that we strive for as a preparation for moving on, so in essence these people who are close to this physical death have timed it just about right, well, maybe, it's just a thought, not an original one, but one that is more personal today for me than when I first heard it.

My food plan is a simple one, doesn't vary much, and though at first there was some concern that I would get bored with it, it was never MY concern. For the first time in my life food is just fuel for my body, I still like the taste of it, but it's not the most important reason for choosing the foods I do now. I have discovered that I do not like the tediousness of preparing food, probably why I opted for going out or ordering out before, it was easy! I find I get progressively agitated by having to handle food for any length of time, so my challenge is to have foods prepared ahead so I can NOT spend a lot of time each day having to prepare a meal, but with minimal effort obtain what my body needs. So far, so good!

I'm not sure of the "why's" in this relationship with food, but I really don't have to understand it, only acknowledge it for me, and if I'm meant to gain anymore understanding of it, my Higher Power will so inform me. :-)

Accepting something is not condoning it, not convincing myself that I should like it, just that it "is", and to deal with it that way. Acceptance of the way things are I think is at the crux of living serenely, I may not like things the way they are, but adapting myself to them and not trying to adapt them to me has been the changing point in my life, it makes me less irritable, less discontent, and gives me less "dis-ease".

So as I prepare for my day, I am looking forward to whatever it brings me, happy to not be experiencing any pain this morning, and part of me wondering how long it will last... probably until my walk.. Projecting again... just stay in the moment please!

Stay Strong!

love and hugs,
me


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Part 17



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