Of late my Higher Power has been allowing me to learn a little about being dependent, I awoke at 5am and discovered I had a nosebleed, nothing major, I've had them all my life, though this is the first one in a couple of years.. so I did all the things I used to do, pinch the nose, a cottonball to jam up the blood so it would clot, but it just kept bleeding, spilling over the sinus cavity and running down my throat, it was a very strange feeling, and the first time I had noticed this happening. After an hour of trying on my own and failing, I decided to go the ER, something I felt stupid about, I mean really, it's just a nosebleed. Fortunately for me, no one else was there, and I saw a doctor immediately, they clipped my nose, even though I told them that wasn't going to do it... they were a bit condescending about it, so I shut up.. after about 15 mins, he decided that wasn't going to work and actually took a look and found the bleeder way, way in the back, and said, well, no wonder that wasn't working, and again, I kept my mouth shut! He put some pain killer up my nostril and some fancy "blowup" packing, monitored it for about 15 mins, at which time it had stopped enough for him to give me a prescription for some antibiotic and a referral to an ENT doctor to remove the packing in a few days... so, got through without the need to say "I told you".
However, I developed over the next 3 days, terrible sinus/migraine headaches, called for some relief and was given vicodin, which did absolutely nothing.. dosage was one every 6 hours, I was taking them every 3 and still no relief, so called and went back in and was given some other nasal analgesics, which did relieve the headaches to the point of now needing no pain meds at all, a great relief to be sure...
Continuing to work the program I made my calls, did my reading, and was able to remain abstinent through this "ordeal", one in the past which would have put me deeply in to the food, because, (and I am able to recognize and laugh about it now), I just KNEW deep inside myself that one of my favorite binge foods would take care of the pain and make me feel better. Just knew it!!! and yet, also knowing that it was folly, I gave it no real consideration, but the thought DID pop up.
Because I have grown a little in the program over the past 8 months, I was able to recognize this as a total lie and able to easily move on. Thanks to my Higher Power and the practice in working this 12 step program, I had no moments of anxiety about it, it was just something that happened that had to be dealt with, and though it took some time and had no "immediate" resolution, (it took about a week), I was able to calmly move through to the "next right thing" to do... What a joy!
The turmoil I experience in child-rearing is another story... , my 10 year old is constantly pushing all my buttons, passive-aggressive to the point of exasperation when trying to "force" my way. When I get a little more serene about it, and just set the consequence and let it happen, it is much less stressful on me and her. I don't feel the need to stand over her and make sure she does what she's told, if it's not done the consequence is simply and non-emotionally enforced. It is a slower (at least it seems so) process, but I'm sure it will pay off a little farther down the road, and when we get into the teen years, hopefully the pattern will be so ingrained that I won't have a challenge with the inevitable struggles of her growing up.. a firm grasp of reality huh? LOL
Well, at least it's a plan, more than I had before... :-)
Because of the nosebleed and headaches, I've missed the last 2 weekly meetings here in town, I really miss the meeting so have been making extra calls this week to compensate..
love and hugs,
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