Why do I always want more? The feeling that I'm missing something?
A past memory came up - I had come off an Opti-fast kind of program from a local hospital, 3 protein shakes a day, and nothing else... I loved it, lost a lot of weight, but it taught me nothing about dealing with food because there wasn't any to deal with. We went to behavior modification classes in preparation for the re-introduction of food but I left the program for very pressing personal reasons... or at least I thought they were. At any rate, I began eating normal food again, did not plan my meals but kept track by writing down at the end of the day what I had eaten and for 6 months I was surviving quite nicely on about 1800 calories a day, wasn't hungry, felt good, maintaining my weight, and THEN my addict brain had the thought that "I wonder how much I could add without gaining any weight!" and so the road to hell began again. I added a little of this and that, weighed in at the end of the week, and "happily" I found I had gained nothing, so........ I added some more.. etc. and so forth, and for another 6 months I gained nothing until finally I was eating almost 6000 calories a day when I started to gain weight, so I cut back by 500 calories, kept gaining, cut back another 500 and kept gaining, cut back another 1000, and kept gaining but by this time, NOW (at 4000 cal/day) I was feeling deprived and hungry, and got angry and discouraged and QUIT, GAVE UP, figured it was just too hard and SCREW IT!
Later, when I was able to really look at this, it brought me to realize just how much my disease has me... and I asked myself this question, WHY, when I was satisfied with what I was eating, not feeling deprived at all, did I still seek more?
And for me it came down to Fear. Fear of not getting all there was for me to get, thinking I would be shortchanging myself of some deserved "happiness" by not finding out the limit of absolutely ALL I could get.
Only problem is I couldn't find the limit.. I always wanted more and more and more, why? basic insecurity I think, same reason I can't throw anything away... I'm choking on all the "stuff" in my house, in my life... accumulating "things" to validate my worth, to make myself feel important, valuable, worthy, etc. The clutter is really starting to bother me though, so I must be getting better. LOL
Even after realizing the reasons for my behavior I was helpless to control them. I had always thought once understood, I would not exhibit this behavior anymore, that once I could identify the flaw, it would be easy to correct it. Wasn't so for me at least, cause I still thought "I" could do it. I know now that I could never do it, it is beyond my power. By the Grace of my Higher Power, I have been given a great gift, the compulsion for "more" has been lifted from me for today, and it is such a miracle and such a joy, I never want to go back to the way I was before, so I know that, for me, some foods will simply have to be put aside, I can't afford the temptation of having a little of something that for me is a trigger food. I have in the past been able to control those substances, at least for a while, but they have ALWAYS led me back into my compulsive behavior, and it's just not worth the risk to me anymore. Like Russian Roulette, eventually it's gonna kill me!
It took me a long time to get here, and I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the path to recovery. I don't know a lot, but I know this, "I am Powerless over this disease!", "I must surrender my Will to a power greater than myself to be able to live a sane life". "I must DO something different from what I have always done". In other words, "I have to do the footwork and trust the outcome to my Higher Power".
love and hugs,
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