First let me say how blessed I am to be able to be posting here today. I have been abstinent for over 6 months now by the grace of my Higher Power and the strength I gain from the 12 step program.
A short time ago though, I had a day!!!! I had allowed myself to get on the pity pot, I was feeling neglected, "put upon" by life situations, angry because of perceived hurts and slights, tired and sore because of physical changes that are happening in my body, anxious because of others not meeting my expectations - wife and child, institutions, computers that just wouldn't work, inanimate objects that seemed to have a life of their own and were bent on making my life miserable - I was having a BAD day!
I thought briefly about stopping long enough to do some meditations, read something spiritually inspiring, make a phone call, and knowing it would make me feel better, I of course decided NOT to do that.... I WANTED to feel miserable, and why? because I knew IF I could maintain this state long enough, I could allow myself to EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to the point of having food that was not on my plan in the microwave, cooking...... I left the room, went to sit down and said a prayer for willingness, for strength, for sanity. It was answered in the affirmative, and I called out to my wife, that stuff in the microwave is for you if you want it. (She had asked for it and I had told her no, "I" was going to eat it.) She said "thanks!".....
Insane you say? YOU BET!! Did I mention that I'm a COE? My thinking was so screwed up, but because of the "routines" I've established in the last 6 months, I was finally able to make a couple of phone calls, talk a little about how I was feeling, it helped for a while, but soon after the call was over, I would again work myself up .... finally calling my sponsor for my daily call and once again going through how I was feeling, it was suggested that it might be a good time to make a gratitude list, which I of course thought was a good idea, but also that I didn't want to do it. I wasn't feeling all that grateful at the moment. I wanted to blame something or someone for my foul mood, I was looking for a reason to throw this all away and eat because for all my life THAT is what made me "feel" better.
So while I was feeling better after talking to my sponsor I did write a gratitude list, I'll share it here with thanks to my Higher Power for giving me the "sight" to see where my actions would have taken me if I had given in to them and to what he has given me so far.
Bless you all,
love and hugs,
My Gratitude List:
I am grateful for my Higher Power who is ever available to me, all I have to do is say yes to the connection.
I am grateful for my family for loving me even when I'm a crab.
I am grateful for my children who show me a mirror of myself, all my positive attributes and all my flaws.
I am grateful for my health which is remarkably good considering how badly I've abused myself over the years.
I am grateful for the Treatment Center, for the time I had there, it really saved my life and put me in the bubble I needed to work out a lot of past garbage.
I am grateful for the OA people I've met who are always willing to be there for me when I reach out.
I am grateful for the 12 step program for giving me a plan to follow to remain sane if I will just "do" what I need to.
I am grateful for my animals that truly give me unconditional love. :-)
I am grateful for my grand-daughter because she reminds me of the innocence of youth and where I aspire to return someday, to love fully, to trust again, to find wonder in the everyday things that sometimes I now take for granted.
I am grateful for the tests God puts before me, they make me stronger as they make me rely on Him more and learn to trust His Wisdom, and for the strength to choose to follow my conscience today, instead of taking the easy road to quick gratification.
I am grateful for the clarity of mind that being abstinent brings me.
I am grateful for the friends I've met because of this disease, to share our strengths and our weaknesses and support for one another.
I am grateful for waking up each day with anticipation.
I am grateful for being able to say what my needs are, to express my feelings, positive and negative, and to be learning patience and tolerance and acceptance of myself and of others.
I am grateful for my life.
love and hugs,
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