Starting this morning I began again, as I do every morning. If I have learned nothing over the past decade it's that every day is Day One. No matter how the previous day went, THIS is a new one and has to be "worked" just like when I first started in recovery.
Since beginning in OA in 1992, I have had periods of great recovery, periods of mediocre recovery, and periods of relapse. It was all my choice. Even at my lowest, most depressed state, I knew that this program was the last, best solution to my addiction. My substance is certain foods, but the core issue is my selfishness, self-centered, self-absorbed personality. Dealing with change was never my strongest trait, but thanks to this program I AM getting much better with it. Not perfect, some days are not even good, but overall - better.
Due to letting my diabetes get out of control, I have been following a more strict food plan since Jan. 22 and my glucose levels are almost back into the normal range, I feel better, more energetic, and my mood has lifted once again from the depression I was in due to some life catastrophes/circumstances. The circumstances haven't changed much, but my ability to accept the things I cannot change about them is getting better. It didn't happen immediately, but it did happen. Cycle of life stuff I guess. Thank HP I had program to fall back on... it never leaves us, even when we may leave it.
There are those who question that since recovery is so elusive and so inconsistent for some why even bother? I have even felt this way myself many times when I am at low ebb, and it brings to mind a quote I have in my office:
"I am only one, but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do something that I can do."
This speaks to me when I am low, when I feel beaten, hopeless, and overwhelmed. The question I was taught to ask myself is this, "What is the next right thing I can do?" Not the monumental goal to be accomplished, but just the next right thing. It helps keep me sane.
I have found my life to be not a lot of huge decisions, but a series of little ones that have led me to where I am today. It's been a very curvy adventure over the years... but I'm learning to be grateful and to enjoy the pleasant moments that life gives me and to endure the painful ones with the knowledge that no matter how bad it may be, it will pass. No matter how good it may be, it will pass also.. it is the nature of life, always changing. Finding the positive in every situation is the blessing of this program. Doesn't negate the turmoil, pain, or struggle, but, it is a blessing to always see beyond where I am at the moment.
love and hugs,
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