It's been a long time since I've sent one of these out, it's been a tough year with family and finances, and subsequently with my own ability to maintain hope that things would work out well. I'm not going to go into the specifics, we are managing so far, time will tell.
Was watching an ad for an upcoming movie, and the following exchange caught my attention:
Bart: "This is the worst day of my life."
Homer: "This is the worst day of your life.. so far?!"
It made me laugh uncontrollably for almost 5 mins. and chuckle/laugh out loud for another half hour or so. It made my wife laugh listening to me laugh.
I am/have been suffering from severe depression lately, and I guess it was a combination of that and hearing how desperately I am feeling put so succinctly. Depression sucks all hope from me, sensing that nothing will stop this downward spiral back into the abyss I managed to pull out of for the past 5 years... the utter hopelessness and believing that things would indeed continue to get worse until once again, the feeling that only death would end it. While laughing I was at the same time wondering why it was striking me so funny, why I was laughing at the hopelessness. I had no answer, but the laughing continued. Shortly afterward my wife went walking with me, (first time in about a week for me) and we got to the back gate, and she commented the heat wasn't too bad right now (1am), and she said "it could be worse".. and we both began laughing. I got to my first rest stop, and wasn't as winded as usual, and said, "well, that wasn't too bad.", and my wife says, "yeah, it could be worse", and we both began chuckling again.. it's making me laugh just remembering it now.
I'm sure the laughing was a release of emotion, but I have not attempted to ponder it, yet.
I was watching a movie last night, "Reign Over Me", about a man in a deep depression because of an inability to deal with a horrendous loss in his life, some of you may have seen the film. I related with this character so much that it actually made me feel even more helpless and more despondent than before. I had no idea what the movie was about before watching it, I think if I had known, I would have chosen not to, but that's life, huh? Perhaps it was my HP leading me.
After laughing for the past hour I do feel a little better. In the last two days my abstinence has been good, well at least better, and I feel maybe a more serious commitment to this program will in fact help bring me back to a sanity and a more normal equilibrium in my emotional health.
I was feeling beaten, broken, and hopeless. At this moment, I am feeling invigorated. Just finished walking, just finished laughing, and finished another good day.
God, help me remember this feeling when tomorrow comes.
love and hugs,
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