Life has been "full" lately, getting ready for the new school year, tons of new computers to setup and programs to get working, testing, and fixing, it's been a bit overwhelming at times. It's finally coming to an end, that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train coming at me after all. ;)
My program has been sporadic of late, all beginning back on our Christmas trip to visit our daughter in WV. I spent time working out how I would do my food plan, tried a few things that didn't work, but eventually came up with a workable plan. I got sick while on that trip though, and spent almost 2 months with respiratory challenges, and my normal food plan was just too much food for me, so I was eating broths and much less of everything for quite a while. Even now, eight months later I'm still hacking every once in a while. It's a little disappointing for sure to not have bounced back like I used to. Part of getting older I guess.
Sloppiness was more the norm for my program than the exception and I was struggling with making it "important" again, so easily it seemed to put off till tomorrow to get serious, just one more meal, one more day.. etc. I already went through this once, but it continued and it really baffled me as my clothes kept getting tighter, my energy level kept ebbing away, and all the rationalizations were right there ready to allow me to keep on sliding.
To "know" the solution, "desire" the results of working the solution, but not being willing to put in the work, the action of living in recovery, is very disheartening. I struggle with the uncomfortableness of tight clothes making sitting at work, or doing anything really, a pain - a strain, just adds to the irritation, and of course irritation leads to wanting to eat something to alleviate it. It doesn't really help the problem though, it just masks it for a while while adding to the original problem.
Last week I started really getting discontent with the way things were going, I hadn't been walking everyday like usual because of a heel problem, which finally has seemed to go away, but knee and hip pains have come back a bit, so I was walking only every other day. Now, my food plan had seemed to find it's set point for me weight wise, I wasn't losing, but wasn't gaining, so I had increased my exercise a bit last year, and had another 25-35 lb. weight loss, and then it leveled out again.. so my food plan was okay for the amount of exercise I was doing. Well, when I reduced my exercise because of the other temporary problems, I didn't reduce my food intake to compensate, and I'm sure that's a small part of the weight I've put back on. But the majority I know is just the "Just this once" attitude that crept back in. Feeling I could once again handle it "just this once" has been the downfall of so many.. and I am another one now. I hate this disease sometimes, but when I'm in a good spiritual place, I am thankful for it too. It has given me reason to seek my Higher Power, and when I do, life is great, if only in my own head.
The pain in my foot is gone finally, the pains in my knees and hips is less, and I have been walking everyday now again for a week. I don't like it, but I do like how I feel when I'm done. I can almost feel the change in my attitude as I walk, as the blood rushes through my body and my brain, and I am thinking again, clearly and with purpose. I still have to push myself out the door in the morning, but hopefully I will get back to the more willing attitude I had in years past. Over and over I learn that this program is an everyday program. My disease is waiting for me to allow it back in, and every time I make an exception that's what I do. I am not perfect, have never done this program perfectly in the 5 years since surrendering to it, but it's been good enough most of the time... how great it would be I think when I can surrender totally.. it boggles the mind to think of it, but I am starting to believe it could happen for me. I pray it does.
I have to regain some ground, but I will keep on moving forward from where I am, one halting step at a time until it becomes joyful again. I miss the joy, the feeling of peace and serenity. My body is going through it's withdrawal again, I know what to expect, I know I can endure it, I am looking forward to life again. I have made my commitment once again, out loud, to those I love, and have asked for support to stay strong. It's hard to deal sometimes with family who continue to bring stuff into the house that is not on MY food plan, but somewhere I need to find the strength to resist the thoughts and temptations and rationalizations that it's somehow okay for me if it's okay for them.. THAT is a resentment I need a lot of help with, and of course it's having to accept my differences that is the challenge. This is my reality, that I can't be like them, I can't do it "just this once"... it simply is not possible for me and this set of genes.
The chemical imbalance in my brain caused by certain foods or massive quantities of foods alters my ability to think clearly, to make good sound decisions, and so my food plan takes that process out of my hands to a certain extent. If I eat only what's on my food plan, then my mind has no other choices to make, eating for nutritional value only takes the emotions out of the decision making process. I might still "want" some certain food, but I always ask myself then, WHY do I want that food right now? What do I think it will fix?
It's a tough question sometimes, and I don't always figure out the answer, but the process takes the focus away from the food long enough to let it go.
I am feeling really good right now. My walk is over, I'm ready to get ready for work, and I still like my work even with all the pressure of late, it's fun. Life is good!
Keep coming back.
love and hugs,
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