The journey has been murky, but I have finally been lead back to the path of
recovery. I told someone recently that I believed I really didn't want to
recover, what I really wanted deep down was to be able to do whatever I
wanted without any consequences. I want to be able to eat anything I'd like
without gaining weight, without muddying up my thinking, without altering my
mood, but, as I've known for a while now and simply decided to ignore,
that's not the way my body handles things.
It started as it always does for me, with rationalization, "just one", "just
this once", and soon escalates into "just one MORE". Just one more of this
item, just one more meal, just one more day... before I get serious and get
back on track. (sigh) I've done that for five months now.. progressively
getting more and more lax, more indulgent, more complacent, more willing to
put it off, more hopeless, more depressed, more despondent, more isolated,
more consumed with what I'll eat next to push these feelings further away,
if only for a moment. Right back into this disease, and it's strong! It's
incessant, it's always there, waiting for my weaknesses to manifest
I was blaming others for me not being "normal". I was looking outside
myself for cause, and I let that selfish, self-centeredness back to the
surface, and I could see the path it was taking me on, and I didn't really
resist much, knowing it was leading me to destruction once again, a place I
swore I'd never revisit. But, there I was walking head up into the dark.
I have a dear friend who has been battling cancer for over two years now,
and the battle has been deemed unwinnable, officially pronounced "terminal",
less than a year to live, and I thought, well, we are ALL terminal aren't
we? Why do I live like I am going to live forever, that tomorrow will
always be there? I have been putting off starting to work my program again,
always there's tomorrow to begin again. It's true, but what of the days
I've given away to this disease. Days I have not really lived because of
the cloud of haze my mind has been in, days my work and creative abilities
have been non-existent because of the chemical fog I put myself in. There
is always tomorrow until there isn't anymore. What will I have to take with
me, or leave behind me if I continue to live in the disease?
I wrote my friend, who has been a real mentor to me in the program, and I
was lamenting about my unwillingness to get back to committing to working
this program, his response was this:
"It is not a matter of recommitting. We are POWERLESS over this obsession
and have no where to turn except to God for the defense against the next
misuse of food. Now is when you must confront each and every urge to use
food with "God, I am in trouble right now - please help me. Show me what I
can do right now to get through this moment of food obsession" Then do what
ever comes to mind, but do it. Keep praying even if it has to be a minute
at a time. You and I are powerless to choose to eat or drink responsibly.
We can not do it and we can not stop. There is a solution and that solution
is surrender to God as you understand God."
I had been on the verge of once again getting serious, getting back to my
food plan, to begin once again to work this program, I was "almost" ready...
I had decided on just one more day of eating what I wanted because I still
wanted to go out the following evening and have my favorite food before
beginning again.. the last hurrah before once again restricting my food
intake.. sound familiar? the old diet mentality... well - the next day came
and something inside me had me fix an abstinent breakfast, deciding quickly
not to have what had become my usual breakfast, (heavy on the starches and
fats), but this morning I fixed my "normal" food plan breakfast.. and I
remember thinking well that was interesting, but I'm still going out
Lunch was the same, not what I thought I would be having, but what my food
plan would have been... but still I thought, "well, no matter, I'm still
going out tonight.".. I'm a little willful... ;)
Evening came and it found me deciding quickly NOT to go out and I fixed my
normal, abstinent supper. I was amazed, awed, ticked off a bit, because I
had really wanted to go out.. but I got to the end of the day abstinent, not
by MY will, but through God's Grace.
That was five days ago, and I am still abstinent. My mind is clearer now,
and I feel I am going to be okay again, one day at a time. There is still
part of me that is not happy about it, but I feel it is God stepping in and
doing for me what I was unwilling to do for myself, giving me strength to do
what I should even when part of me wants not to. I think deep down, I
really DO want to live in recovery, it is so much better than living in the
I had five years of good abstinence, and that it seemingly so quickly was
set aside by me is amazing, and makes me know that I have to work this
program everyday, EVERY day, EVERY DAY, if I am to remain sane.
I am once again learning the work of this program is what my friend stated
above, "God, I am in trouble right now - please help me. Show me what I can
do right now to get through this moment of food obsession". The work is
surrendering my will, letting go and letting God.
God's Grace is amazing, I am in awe.
I am thankful to be here today, I am thankful for all the prayers from
family, friends, and acquaintances who care about me.
love and hugs,
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