It's been a while since last I wrote, and that's largely due to the fact that I have been unhappy with my recovery. I have been suffering from a lack of dedication to working this program, disdain in fact for having to work this program. I have comforted myself with the, "well, I'm not as bad as I used to be's", and the "I'm not as bad as I could have been's". The struggle is one of surrender as it always is. When I am in a place of surrender this program is easy, when I am not it is a moment to moment struggle.
I wrote of my inability to regain the discipline of the program to a friend and his response was this:
"I understand your frustration with recapturing your former discipline with the program. Keep in mind that this way of life has more to do with what you do rather than what you feel. God will not abandon you. Keep praying, attending meetings, and talking with friends in the fellowship. Try some additional hard-core inventory and find the resentment that put you off track. Once you have identified the resentment, you will have to forgive the other involved no matter how wrong that person has been. This is hard for we really have learned to live better and know when others are wrong. Their wrongs do not matter. I ask God to free me from the resentment through real, not feigned, forgiveness for my benefit, not the other person's benefit. When I make direct amends it gets me off the hook even if it looks like I am letting the other guy off the hook."
I had to smile when I read this cause I knew "exactly" what resentment he was referring to. He didn't, but I did... I wanted so badly to lay blame for my situation on my wife and child who continue to bring food into the house that I cannot eat, who continue to fill the house with smells of baking foods that I cannot eat, who eat these foods in front of me while making comments about how it's "really good" and I get a blow by blow description of the ingredients and the way she ran across this new recipe, and it just ticks me off. So when my friend mentioned finding the resentment I had no trouble...
But on deeper reflection I know now that this is the superficial resentment, what really gets to me is this, "I am not normal about food", and THAT is what ticks me off even more, I'm not normal about food and I desperately WANT to be. I WANT to be able to eat a little of all kinds of food and enjoy it without it becoming an obsession, but at this point I just can't, and always there is this hope that someday I can. That's Step One isn't it? I'm still holding on to the hope that someday, I'll be able to be normal about my food. Somehow through the power of God I'll be able to rewrite my body chemistry, change my chromosomes, and rewrite my DNA so I can be "normal". (at least around food)
I suppose I could say I was just testing to see if these foods still affected me the same, but I really already knew the answer. I just got to the point of not caring, of rationalizing my anger so I could eat what I wanted. This is the danger for me... knowing that if I can "keep my Mad on", I WILL eventually allow myself to eat what I want. I've said this over and over in the last five years, (somehow thinking I was bulletproof cause I was aware of it) that I could recognize the signs, and over time have been able to steer back to the path of recovery. I let go of my HP though, I got ticked because I'm not normal, and was looking to blame something/someone for it so I could wallow a while.
I then decided I'd had enough wallowing and once again chose to get serious about my recovery, and the day started out okay, but ended up not so okay, and I was heartbroken, devastated that I couldn't make it through a day following my food plan more closely. Of course being an all or nothing addict person like I am, I fell into a depression about not being strong enough, not being good enough, not being worthy, and so just thought, what the heck, forget it, I can't do it anymore, the hell with it, and I continued to choose the foods I wanted. I wasn't binging mind you, just eating stuff I shouldn't, sometimes more than was necessary, but not grazing 24/7 like I used to, still my three meals and snack a day... it's the "not that bad yet" idea I guess.
Where I am right now is working my way back to letting go of those foods that I know should not be crossing my plate. I am praying, and making calls, and going to meetings, and reading, and once again becoming willing to live in recovery, willing to let go my own ego and surrender to a power greater than myself. I'll say that everything I've ever let go of in the past has had claw marks all over it from me trying to take it back until finally I was able to release it, and here I am letting go of those same things yet again. The struggle as always is with my Ego, my Will.
I am also in the middle of health issues that I let overwhelm me at times, figuring the worst is happening and I'm going to be discovered to have some terminal illness and then all reason for restraint will be removed, at least that's what's in my mind's thinking right now.. I'm still waiting for test results, and honestly I'm probably making a mountain out of a pebble, but that's how my brain works. I've been sick for months now, fatigue is a daily continuing occurrence and I'm just tired of being tired all the time.
I have been blessed with five years of good recovery, not perfect by any means, but enough that I have regained much of my health, able to work again outside the home, able to be mobile once again, able to function in society, to be an active part of my family's life, my daughters lives, and though I still prefer my solitude, am becoming more "social". There are many positive things happening in my life now, some exciting things for me, and I'm thrilled and grateful to be living today.
I will continue to work to be better, and of course the work involved in that is the work of letting go. ;) Funny concept isn't it, in order to hold on to what I have in recovery, I must let go.
Keep coming back!
love and hugs,
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