My story begins below and each week I will be sending you more excerpts from my journal. Some of my journaling are letters I shared with my sponsor, with my close friends and with my online recovery home.
Love and hugs,
I had just returned from a treatment facility for compulsive eating feeling very strong, determined to continue the recovery I had finally begun. The first night home was a doozy!
I just woke up from a heavy duty dream, with terrifically strong food thoughts. I could actually taste the aerosol whipped cream ... was sucking it right out of the can!!! Wow! That didn't take long! Can't remember all the details of the dream, but was doing some recovery work, something about drowning people in water, and a therapist from the Treatment Center was in it, which is kind of odd, cause we had such a casual involvement there, she would basically just say hi to me as she walked by the room, or give me encouragement when she would pass me in the hall. At any rate she had chastised (I 'felt' that way, she had really just corrected me) me for something and the next thing I know I'm fixing something with Ready Whip and just took a small taste and 2 seconds later I'm sucking on a can of it and getting another one ready to finish off before I was even finished with the first one. I remember thinking I should just stop, it wasn't a major thing yet, but couldn't stop and began feeling guilty about it because I knew better but I just couldn't stop!!!
I woke up with the taste of it in my mouth! I thought, boy that wasn't much of a honeymoon, looks like my disease is gonna go after me with a vengeance right off the bat. No one to call this early, so thought I'd just write about it....
Love and hugs,
I think maybe I'll just tell you what I did until we get things a little more settled. The basic plan is the same each day, so it will just be my choices of proteins and starches, etc.
I made my 3 phone calls today, left 2 messages but talked with one person for about 10 minutes.
I was working on the food plan most of the day, and other things for my wife and my daughter, so I did not read any literature yet today (7pm) though I did read several quotes in an email from the Big Book from a friend. :-) I'm about half done with the food plan from the treatment center.
I have several calls to make tomorrow ... therapist, dietitians, doctor, etc. in addition to the program calls.
It was a pretty good day. I didn't get out for the walk though. I'm too apprehensive to go out without someone here, so will have to set a time I guess when my wife can go out with me. If I fell, I wouldn't be able to get up, hence the apprehension.
It's been a busy day, called and got the names of 3 different therapists that are on my insurance plan. There is one in town. I will call him tomorrow to see about setting up an appointment.
Food was all good today.
Only a little agitated/anxious about dealing with my daughter ... mostly challenges with being 10, and having had me away for a while. Hopefully, we can get back on track pretty easily, she keeps thinking she is in charge of the world!! LOL
Summary of Steps of 1-3 in writing.
1. We admitted we were powerless over our compulsive behavior with food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Food began being the solution to my problems, it medicated me so I didn't have to feel the pain and hurt and shame of my life and it quelled the anger inside me, which I feared more than anything. It did it's job well, for many years, but eventually took over and became more of a problem than it was a solution. I was unable to stop when I finally wanted to, and got so discouraged I contemplated suicide as a viable option. I'd say that is pretty out of control and unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I do believe, at least intellectually in a Higher Power, however I have never allowed my heart to accept that 'it' would help me solve this challenge I have with my eating disorder or any other major problem in my life. Trusting is not a strong characteristic for me, but I had come to a point when 'my' way was quite obviously NOT working. Having seen evidence in my own and other's lives of some greater good that would come when allowed, I came to accept that IF I could allow it, this power could also restore me.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I realized that what I had been doing was a result of 'my best thinking' and it had brought me to the edge of despair, having simply given up on living. Six weeks ago, I surrendered My Will with regards to my food, and am attempting to release it entirely for all the aspects of my life. Trusting that the people I have chosen, those who have what appears to be serenity and joy in their lives can lead me to that place also. Trusting that God will guide them and me, I have turned my life over to him and will attempt to the best of my ability to follow his guidance and His Will for me.
I know I cannot trust my own thinking so I must for now get a "reality check" about major decisions from those people I trust. I am starting to understand the difference between giving up and surrender, and it has to do with "hope", giving up is when I feel 'no hope', and surrender is hope that something else will guide me on my journey and that it will all turn out as it should, whether I understand it or not ... which is in essence - faith.
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