Prior to coming into a 12 Step program, I thought I was just an idiot. Why else would I continue to do the same things over and over again and think that somehow things would turn out differently?
I learned in this program that I am NOT an idiot.... I am INSANE!! To my way of thinking, this was a step UP, and therefore I was moving in the right direction.
The following pages are a compilation of writings that I have done over the last year... they are excerpts from emails to my sponsor, and other program people, posts that I have made as part of a sharing email loop, journal entries, and sending out the happenings of my life to those who care about me.
I share them with you so that you may see a bit of what recovery looks like for me, and if you can identify with any of it, then it may serve to give you hope for your own situation and hopefully may gain some insights and feel a bit connected to someone else who is going through the trudge of working on oneself.
These will be presented in chronological order, the earliest is from April 2001, on my return from an eating disorder treatment center.
I began in OA as the result of a counselor insisting that I attend at least 6 meetings, that was in July of 1992, it took me almost 10 years to finally make the commitment to this 12 Step Program. Knowing what I know now, I understand the founders of the AA program words in the Big Book when they say,
"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start."
Not making the commitment cost me 10 years of anguish, discontent, and added many more health related issues to my life than I would have had. My explanation for this is in the form of a slogan, "It takes what it takes, until it takes!", so even though I may have a few regrets related to my taking so long, I must not have been in enough pain yet to make the decision until last year. In reading my words you will get to know a man who had given up, was waiting, even hoping, to die to alleviate the suffering.
Today I wake up joyous to have one more day to be alive, looking forward to what my Higher Power will put in front of me. I humbly put in front of you bits of my life, take what you want and leave the rest.
love and hugs,
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