~ Loneliness ~
Feeling our loneliness magnifies it.
Understanding our loneliness can open doors into our self-awareness,
which we long for and need.
Before I found my Twelve Step program, I felt so lonely. I was stuck in total isolation and the feeling of loneliness felt one hundred times worse. The isolation and loneliness caused me to continually eat ... and so I'd isolate more. What a vicious cycle!
When I found my recovery program, I still wanted to isolate. When going to meetings, I wanted the seat with nobody around it. I didn't want to open my mouth to share or talk, even after the meeting. I kept coming back even though I felt alone, because I heard familiar things that really interested me. I eventually saw that most of the people in the room felt the same loneliness I did. I began to understand why I felt so lonely.
When I understood that my compulsive eating was causing me to isolate and be more lonely, a big burden was lifted off my shoulders. I finally felt some hope! Then I found that there were many other doors in the past that I should open and become more aware of. These past happenings were what started and fueled this disease of compulsive eating. I wanted to know but I was also afraid to find out.
The similarities, kindness and love I found in the rooms made it easier to look at my past. Understanding that I was not the total reason for my loneliness, I began making amends. I needed to forgive others who had harmed me and those I had harmed. I felt lighter and more self aware, and confidence began to emerge.
One Day at a Time . . .
I will remember that it's okay and good to feel my feelings but they don't have to rule my life. I don't have to let loneliness magnify, causing me to eat uncontrollably to solve the problem. I've learned to turn things over to my Higher Power and to let them go. Looking back is the key to my self-awareness and my recovery.
~ Jeanette ~
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