I feel a need to reach out to everyone this morning. I'm in such a bad place as I write this ... haven't been this way ever I don't believe. My name is Mari and I am a compulsive overeater and this is my Journey to Recovery. So many things seem to be catapulting together ... almost as though I was living in some sort of cosmic universe. It is hitting home that I am feeling displaced. From my marriage. From my friends. From my loop. From my children. From myself.
Each day this week, I have written about one of the Twelve Steps. There have been days with certain steps that I find myself hardly able to stop writing. But I know that one can only say so much in a journal page and my intention was just to briefly touch on each step. Curled up on my sofa with my keyboard in my lap right now, I'm writing for a different reason. I am writing because I literally HAVE to.
The purpose of Step Nine is to clear away all the guilt and bad feelings we have been left with so that we can start anew with the relationships in our life. Those of us who are addicts have problems with relationships. In addition we need them so desperately; yet, when we're "in the disease" we seek comfort in our addiction because we don't want to be hurt yet again by another relationship gone wrong.
So, here we are. We've made that long, long list of people in Step Eight that we have harmed and we've told God that we are willing to make amends to them all ..... and yet we look at that list and say to ourselves .... "this is just impossible." I will spend the rest of my life working Step Nine.
The next time I decide to take a step a day in this Journal to Recovery, I want all of you to remind me not to do it. I barely have gotten started on what this step is all about .... only that it is so very important. It's all about relationships .... and I just hope most of you have the 12+12 and a sponsor and WTS and lots of good supportive relationships at work in your lives now.
I was tallking with a friend earlier. I'm really frightened about a lot of things right now. I'm not a person who reaches out easily but I am feeling very powerless with just about everything in my life. I mentioned to my friend that probably one of the reasons I'm in this place today is because of the problems within my recovery loop. I never realized how much I depended on my recovery loop .... I told her it was "the wind beneath my wings" and as long as I had that and God, I was armed to do battle with this disease we all share. Perhaps this is the reason I got down on my knees earlier and with the door closed talked out loud to my Higher Power and told Him that I am totally powerless ... and not just with my addiction ... but with everything in my life. It was a powerful few minutes .... the strongest first step I've ever taken. I suspect there will be another tomorrow.
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