One Day at a Time

Fear, Anger, Frustration, and Terror

I received the pathology report on Monday. I have infiltrated carcinoma, phase 3. Basically that means that the cancer came from somewhere else. It didn't start in the breast. I go to the radiologist today and the oncologist tomorrow.

Before my surgery a precious friend of mine gave me a "clinging cross". This cross looks like chocolate, but is made of resin. Imagine a soft cross placed in the palm of your hand and your fingers folding over the cross bar. If you squeeze, the cross changes shape and conforms to your hand. It's something wonderful to hold and I had used it so many times over the past couple of weeks, until now. I've misplaced it!

Last night I was searching for it and my brother asked me what I was so frantically looking for. I told him I was looking for my cross and that I needed it to take to the doctor‘s appointment. His response was, "You could have talked to me all day without saying that." He walked away crying. It made me so angry because I don't know how to talk to my family about this illness. I talked to Mom about it this morning and she said that the doctor should not have said that he got it all when obviously he didn't. I explained to her that he did get all of the cancer in the breast, but that the pathology report says it came from a different source. She thinks that they should have waited to tell me this and that they should have run more tests without my knowing why. I disagree. I want to know what I'm looking at and what I'm facing.

It would be a lie if I said I am okay today. I'm terrified. I'm angry. And I'm frustrated. I wish my family were more supportive, but I guess they are doing the best they can. I know they are scared. I just don't know how to talk to them. I haven't slept much this past couple of weeks and finally broke down and took a valium last night. It helped me to relax enough to get some sleep, but now I'm dealing with the hangover. I don't know which is worse, dragging from lack of sleep or enduring a drug induced hangover.

I see the radiologist today and a couple of gals from my OA group are joining me. I don't know what I'd do without those two precious angels. Thank God for them. I'm going to be okay. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I know I'll not travel that road alone. I just wish my family would support me during this journey.

~ Lee Anne



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