One Day at a Time

What Can I Do To Help?

That is a question I've been asked over and over for the past several weeks. My answer is "just pray. " I keep saying that I don't know enough about what is going on with me to ask for anything else. What I have finally realized is that I need a way [to get help for ME! I'm terrified. I have been told that the cancer is gone, but..... That's where I'm scared.... It's the BUT's that are eating me alive. Yes I'm strong and courageous, but this is not a journey I want to take. And to top it all off, my blood sugar is screwed up. It bottoms out at a moment's notice, leaving me suddenly weak, sweating, and needing to lie down. My breast hurts. My underarm is tender and stitches are sticking out, irritating the underside of my arm. I'm tired and haven't slept much in the past several days.

I don't know what to ask for, but I know I need help. I want to eat sugar to bring up my blood sugar, but know that's not the answer either. That will only make it worse because sugar will bottom out on me. During this entire ordeal, I have not broken my abstinence. Even though I have wanted to on many occasions, I look at that as something else that I would have to fight. I'm fighting enough without having to face the guilt of eating sugar. So what do I do? I eat more than I should on occasion, not often.

I fight with a puppy who insists on sitting on the back of my chair and climbing up my arm to get there. Then she either jumps from the floor to my arm to the back of the chair or down the same way, keeping me constantly on guard. She is put outside more times that I can say. She isn‘t even mine!

I'm angry because I got cancer. I can remember as a teenager, getting breasts and my fear was losing one or both. Now I have had to face just that. I'm angry because I've already had to deal with so many things in my life, why this? When is enough ,enough???? I hate this.

What do I need? I need someone to hold me. Someone to let me cry. Someone to let me scream. Someone to let me vent my anger. I need safety. I need just to know that needing this is okay. I know I'm okay and will be fine. But right now I just need to let people help me and I don't know how to do that. I've always had to take things in my own hands and be in control. I need to let someone else be in control.

~ Lee Anne



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